Eulogy vs. Obituary: Understanding the Differences and How to Write Each

An obituary is written and published; a eulogy is spoken at the service. That one sentence settles most of the confusion, but it does not tell you which one you have been asked to produce, how long it should be, who is supposed to write it, or what it costs to publish. This page answers those questions side by side, then gives you a working outline for each, so that the first draft you write tonight is the right kind of draft.

Eulogy vs Obituary: Side by Side

What Is a Eulogy?

A eulogy is a speech given during a funeral or memorial service. It is the part of the service where someone who knew the person stands up and tells the room who they were. It is not a biography read aloud, and it is not a list of accomplishments. The eulogies people remember are built from two or three specific stories that show a trait, not from adjectives that claim one.

The three parts of a eulogy:

1. Opening: who you are, how you knew them, and one line that sets the tone. “I am Dan’s younger brother, and for 40 years I was the one he called when something broke.”
2. Body: two or three stories, each one chosen because it shows something true. One can be funny. Funerals need one laugh more than they need one more adjective.
3. Closing: what they leave with you, said plainly, and a direct goodbye. Keep the last sentence short so you can get through it.

What to leave out of a eulogy: family conflicts, the cause of death in detail, anyone’s debts or diagnoses, inside jokes most of the room will not get, and anything you would not want the person’s grandchildren to hear. If you are not sure a line belongs, it does not. For a full walk-through with examples, read how to write a eulogy.

Length and delivery: three to seven minutes. Print it in a large font, double spaced, and bring a paper copy even if it is on your phone. Pausing to breathe is normal; if you cannot continue, hand the paper to the person beside you, which is why you tell someone beforehand that they are the backup. A glass of water on the lectern is not vanity, it is a plan.

What Is an Obituary?

An obituary is a formal written notice of someone’s passing, published online or in a newspaper. It does two jobs at once: it tells the community the person has passed and when the service is, and it becomes the permanent public record that relatives, friends who lost touch, and future family historians will find. Because it is a record, it is written in the third person and sticks to facts, with one short paragraph of warmth.

The standard obituary order:

1. Announcement: full name (including maiden name or nickname), age, city of residence, and date of passing. Many families now leave out the cause; that is a choice, not a rule.
2. Life sketch: where they were born and raised, education, work, military service, faith community, and the two or three things they were known for.
3. Survivors: spouse, children, grandchildren, siblings, and anyone who preceded them in death. Check spellings twice; a misspelled grandchild is the most common obituary complaint.
4. Service details: date, time, place, and whether it is open to the public. Add the livestream link if there is one.
5. Flowers or donations: where to send them, or the charity the family prefers. This is also where a memorial fundraising link goes if the family needs help with costs.

Where to publish, and what it costs: newspapers charge by the line or by the inch, and a long notice with a photo in a major metro paper can run several hundred dollars; ask the funeral home for the paper’s rate before you write, and cut to fit. Online publication is free and reaches more people. A memorial page on Ever Loved publishes the obituary, collects service RSVPs, and lets friends contribute toward funeral costs in one place, and ForeverMissed builds a free tribute page with photos and a guestbook that stays up for years. Memorial Merits also offers a free obituary and digital memorial submission. For writing help, see top 10 tips for writing an obituary, and when the loss is sudden or the person was young, creating obituaries for young lives covers the extra care that takes.

Eulogy, Obituary, Elegy, Tribute: Which Word Do You Need?

The words get mixed up because they all live in the same week. An obituary is the published notice. A eulogy is the speech. An elegy is a poem or song of mourning (Gray’s “Elegy Written in a Country Churchyard” is the famous one), and nobody will ask you to write one unless you want to. A tribute is the loose word for any of these, and on social media it usually means a short post with a photo. A death notice is the bare-bones paid listing in a newspaper: name, date, service time, nothing more. If the funeral director asks for “the obituary,” they want the written notice. If the officiant asks “who is giving the eulogy,” they want to know who is speaking.

Do You Need Both?

Most families publish an obituary and have at least one eulogy, but neither is required. A direct cremation with no service has no eulogy and often only an online notice. A private family gathering may have three eulogies and no published obituary at all. If one person cannot face writing both, split them: the organized relative writes the obituary from the facts, and the storyteller gives the eulogy. The obituary is usually needed first, because it carries the service details people need in order to show up.

Eulogy vs Obituary FAQ

What are the three parts of a eulogy?

An opening that says who you are and how you knew the person, a body built from two or three specific stories that show who they were, and a closing that says what they leave with you and ends with a direct goodbye. Three to seven minutes total.

What should you not say in a eulogy?

Leave out family conflicts, detailed medical or financial information, anything about the cause of death the family has not chosen to share, inside jokes most of the room will not understand, and any story you would not want the person’s grandchildren to hear. Skip apologies for your public speaking, too; nobody is grading you.

Who usually writes a eulogy?

A spouse, adult child, sibling, or close friend, chosen by the family. Clergy or a celebrant often gives a shorter eulogy as well. It is common for two or three people to speak for two to three minutes each instead of one person speaking for ten.

Who writes the obituary?

Usually the immediate family, often one person with the best handle on names and dates. Funeral homes will draft one from a questionnaire as part of their service, and many families write the first draft together the day after the death, when the facts are still being gathered anyway.

How long should a eulogy be?

Three to seven minutes, which is roughly 500 to 1,000 written words at a speaking pace. Shorter holds a room better than longer. If several people are speaking, two to three minutes each.

How much does it cost to publish an obituary?

Online memorial pages publish an obituary free. Newspapers charge by the line or column inch, and a full obituary with a photo in a large metropolitan paper can cost several hundred dollars; small local papers charge far less. Ask the funeral home for the paper’s current rate before you write so you can cut to fit.

Is an elegy the same as a eulogy?

No. An elegy is a poem or song of mourning. A eulogy is a speech of praise given at a service. They are often confused because the words sound alike and both belong to the week of a funeral.

The Bottom Line

Write the obituary first, because people need it to find the service. Write it as a record: names spelled right, dates correct, service details complete, and publish it free online before you pay a newspaper for the long version. Then write the eulogy as a story, not a résumé: two or three moments that show the person, one of them funny, and a short goodbye you can actually get through. If you are doing both alone, the funeral planning checklist will keep the rest of the week from crowding in on the writing.