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Three months after my father died, I walked into the grocery store, stood in the produce section, and completely forgot why I was there. Not just what I needed to buy. I forgot that I’d driven there intentionally. I forgot what groceries were for.

I stood there for what felt like hours (probably three minutes) before my phone buzzed with a text that snapped me back. I left the store without buying anything, drove home, and sat in my driveway wondering if I was losing my mind.

Nobody had warned me about this.

Everyone talks about the “five stages of grief.” Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. The neat, linear path that grief supposedly follows. Except grief doesn’t work that way, and those stages barely scratch the surface of what actually happens to your brain and body when someone you love dies.

The truth is that grief does weird, scary, disorienting things that nobody prepares you for. Things that make you think you’re broken or doing grief wrong or slowly going insane.

You’re not.

Please take a moment to watch this 3 Minute video on grief and where and how to get help for you or someone you love. Below the video Memorial Merits has provided a free pdf guide and grief tracker full of helpful information and resources.

What you’re experiencing is normal. It’s just that we don’t talk about the strange, uncomfortable, sometimes frightening ways that grief manifests. We stick to the sanitized version. The tears, the sadness, the “healing journey.”

But grief is messier than that. It’s cognitive fog so thick you can’t remember your own phone number. It’s physical chest pain when your heart is medically fine. It’s seeing your dead loved one in crowds or hearing their voice when you’re alone.

After losing my father and later my grandmother, and after years of listening to others share their grief experiences, I’ve learned that the symptoms we don’t discuss are often the ones that cause the most anxiety. Because when something happens that you weren’t expecting, it’s terrifying.

Here are eight grief symptoms that are completely normal but that almost nobody warns you about. If you’re experiencing any of these, you’re not broken. You’re not crazy. You’re grieving, and your brain and body are doing exactly what they’re supposed to do.

1. “Grief Brain” – Cognitive Fog That Makes You Forget Basic Things

I once forgot my own address. I’d lived there for three years. A delivery person asked me to confirm it, and my mind went completely blank.

What it looks like:

• Walking into rooms and having no idea why you went there
• Forgetting if you ate today, or locked your door, or turned off the stove
• Losing your train of thought mid-sentence constantly
• Taking twice as long to complete simple tasks
• Reading the same paragraph five times and retaining nothing
• Missing appointments you’d normally never forget
• Struggling with basic math or routine work tasks

Why this happens: Grief is traumatic stress. Your brain is working overtime to process the loss, regulate intense emotions, and simply keep you functioning. There’s limited bandwidth left for things like remembering whether you fed the dog or what day it is.

Think of your brain like a computer running too many programs at once. Everything slows down. Functions that normally run automatically in the background require conscious effort. Simple tasks become exhausting.

What’s normal: This cognitive fog typically peaks in the first 3-6 months after a loss but can last a year or more. It comes in waves. Some days your brain works fine. Other days you can’t remember how to make toast.

When to be concerned: If cognitive difficulties are getting worse instead of better after six months, or if they’re interfering with your safety (forgetting to turn off the stove repeatedly, getting lost driving to familiar places), talk to a doctor to rule out other causes.

What helps:

• Write everything down. Everything. Lists are your friend.
• Set phone reminders for routine tasks
• Give yourself twice as much time as you think you need
• Tell people you’re grieving and your memory is affected
• Don’t make major decisions requiring sharp thinking if possible
• Be patient with yourself. This isn’t permanent.

2. Physical Pain in Your Chest or Body When Nothing’s Medically Wrong

“Heartache” isn’t just a metaphor. After my father died, I had actual chest pain for months. Sharp, scary pain that sent me to the ER twice, convinced I was having a heart attack.

Both times, the tests came back normal. Structurally, my heart was fine.

But it hurt. Really hurt.

What it looks like:

• Literal chest pain, tightness, or heaviness
• Muscle tension that won’t release, especially shoulders and neck
• Headaches that don’t respond to normal remedies
• Digestive issues (nausea, loss of appetite, or the opposite)
• Physical exhaustion that sleep doesn’t fix
• Body aches similar to having the flu
• Throat tightness or difficulty swallowing

Why this happens: Your nervous system doesn’t distinguish between physical and emotional threats. Grief triggers the same stress response as physical danger. Your body floods with cortisol and adrenaline. Muscles tense. Heart rate increases. Digestion slows.

When this stress response persists for weeks or months, your body stays in fight-or-flight mode. That constant tension creates real, physical pain.

What’s normal: Physical grief symptoms are incredibly common. Studies show that bereaved people report physical pain at rates much higher than non-bereaved populations. The pain is real, even when tests show nothing wrong.

When to be concerned: Always get chest pain checked by a doctor, especially if it’s new or severe. Rule out actual cardiac or other medical issues first. Once you know it’s grief-related, you can address it appropriately. Also see a doctor if physical symptoms are worsening or preventing you from basic functioning.

What helps:

• Acknowledge that the pain is real, not “all in your head”
• Gentle movement: walking, stretching, yoga
• Heat therapy for muscle tension
• Massage or physical therapy
• Breathing exercises to calm your nervous system
• Sometimes medication for anxiety or muscle tension (discuss with doctor)

3. Feeling Nothing At All (Emotional Numbness Isn’t “Doing Grief Wrong”)

Two weeks after my grandmother died, I went to a family gathering. Everyone was crying, sharing memories, supporting each other.

I felt nothing.

Not sadness. Not nostalgia. Nothing.

I smiled appropriately. Said the right things. But inside? Complete emotional flatline.

I felt guilty for months, convinced I was a terrible person who didn’t actually love my grandmother.

What it looks like:

• Going through motions but feeling disconnected from everything
• Inability to cry even when you want to
• Watching sad movies or looking at photos with no emotional response
• Feeling like you’re observing your life from outside your body
• Not caring about things that used to matter
• Feeling “frozen” or shut down emotionally

Why this happens: Numbness is your nervous system’s circuit breaker. When emotional pain exceeds what you can process, your brain essentially says “we’ll deal with this later” and shuts down emotional processing temporarily.

This is protective, not pathological. Your psyche is preventing you from being overwhelmed by more emotion than you can handle right now.

What’s normal: Numbness often appears in the immediate aftermath of a death, especially if the death was sudden or traumatic. It can also appear later when delayed grief hits. The emotions aren’t gone. They’re on pause while your system gathers resources to process them.

Some people cycle between intense emotion and complete numbness. Both are normal.

When to be concerned: If numbness persists for many months with no emotional breakthrough, or if it’s accompanied by thoughts of self-harm or harming others, seek professional support. Long-term emotional shutdown can be a sign of complicated grief or depression that needs treatment.

What helps:

• Stop pressuring yourself to feel the “right way”
• Understand numbness is adaptive, not avoidance
• Give yourself permission to feel whenever emotions do surface
• Gentle activities that might evoke emotion: music, nature, art
• Journaling, even if you write “I feel nothing” repeatedly
• Time. Emotions will return when you’re ready to handle them.

4. Anger at the Person Who Died (And Crushing Guilt About It)

I was furious at my father for dying.

Not rational anger. I knew he didn’t choose to have a heart attack. But I was enraged anyway.

How could you leave me to deal with all of this? How could you not take better care of yourself? How could you die without saying the things I needed to hear?

Then I felt horrible for being angry at someone who was dead. Which made me angrier. It was an exhausting cycle.

What it looks like:

• Rage at the person who died for leaving you
• Anger at how they died (why didn’t they see a doctor sooner, why were they driving that day, why didn’t they fight harder)
• Resentment about what you’re left to handle
• Fury that they’ll miss important events
• Anger at final conversations you wish had been different
• Immediate guilt after feeling angry

Why this happens: Anger is a normal grief stage, but most people suppress it because it feels inappropriate to be mad at someone who died. But anger is often easier to feel than helplessness. Rage gives us an illusion of control when we feel completely powerless.

Also, people we love sometimes hurt us in death. They leave us with financial messes, family drama, unfinished business, or just the massive weight of their absence. Being angry about that is valid.

What’s normal: Anger typically surfaces in the first few months but can reappear later when you hit milestones they’re missing. The guilt that follows anger is also extremely common. Most grieving people feel guilty about something.

When to be concerned: If anger is your only emotion months later with no other feelings emerging, or if anger is causing you to damage relationships or act destructively, consider working with a grief counselor.

What helps:

• Give yourself permission to be angry without judgment
• Write angry letters you’ll never send (then burn or shred them)
• Physical release: exercise, hitting a pillow, screaming in your car
• Talk to others who’ve experienced grief anger (you’ll learn it’s universal)
• Understand anger and love coexist. Being angry doesn’t mean you didn’t love them.

5. Seeing, Hearing, or Sensing Their Presence

About six months after my father died, I was cooking dinner and clearly heard him call my name from the other room. His voice. His tone. The specific way he said my name.

I froze, spatula in hand, heart pounding.

I knew he wasn’t there. But I’d heard him. Really heard him.

What it looks like:

• Seeing them in crowds (then realizing it’s a stranger)
• Hearing their voice calling your name or making characteristic sounds
• Smelling their cologne, perfume, or other scent they wore
• Feeling their presence in a room
• Sensing they’re watching over you or nearby
• Dreams so vivid they feel like visits

Why this happens: Your brain spent years encoding that person’s patterns. Their voice, scent, mannerisms, the way they moved. Those neural pathways don’t shut off immediately after death.

Additionally, when we’re grieving, we’re hypervigilant for signs of the person we’ve lost. Our brain, desperately wanting to find them, sometimes creates sensory experiences based on memory and longing.

This is not psychosis. This is your brain trying to reconcile permanent absence with deeply embedded presence.

What’s normal: Grief hallucinations are incredibly common, occurring in up to 80% of bereaved people in some studies. They’re especially common in the first year. Most people don’t talk about them because they fear being seen as crazy.

These experiences typically feel comforting, not frightening. People often report feeling reassured or at peace after sensing their loved one’s presence.

When to be concerned: If you’re having hallucinations of people who aren’t dead, hearing multiple voices, or experiencing command hallucinations (voices telling you to do things), these are not normal grief symptoms. Seek psychiatric help.

Also, if sensory experiences are distressing rather than comforting, or if you’re unable to distinguish between what’s real and what’s grief-related, talk to a professional.

What helps:

• Understand this is common and not a sign of mental illness
• Talk about it with others (you’ll be surprised how many have experienced it)
• Some find comfort in these experiences, viewing them as spiritual connections
• Don’t panic if it happens. Acknowledge it and continue with your day.
• They typically decrease in frequency over time as grief softens.

6. Grief Resurfacing Years Later, Triggered by Random Things

Eight years after my grandmother died, I walked past a bakery that smelled like her kitchen. I started crying so hard I had to sit on a bench for twenty minutes.

Eight years. I thought I was “done” grieving her.

What it looks like:

• Sudden intense grief over a loss from years ago
• Being blindsided by sadness on random Tuesdays
• Anniversary reactions (death anniversaries, birthdays, holidays)
• Cumulative grief (a new loss reopens old losses)
• Grief triggered by songs, smells, locations, foods, objects
• Feeling like you’re “regressing” in your grief process

Why this happens: Grief doesn’t have an expiration date. You don’t “get over” significant losses. You integrate them into your life, but they remain part of you.

Certain triggers will always evoke emotion because they’re connected to deep memories. That’s not regression. That’s love persisting beyond death.

New losses also often resurrect old grief. Losing a parent years after losing another parent can bring both griefs to the surface simultaneously.

What’s normal: Grief waves can hit years or even decades after a loss. They’re typically shorter and less intense than early grief, but they’re still powerful. This is lifelong, not linear.

When to be concerned: If resurfaced grief is as debilitating as it was immediately after the death, or if you’re unable to function for extended periods years later, grief therapy (aff) might help you process what’s unresolved.

What helps:

• Stop expecting grief to be “finished”
• Allow grief waves when they come without shame
• Understand triggers are love, not weakness
• Build in self-care around known anniversary dates
• Talk about the person who died. Keeping them present honors the relationship.

7. Loss of Identity – Not Knowing Who You Are Without Them

After my father died, someone asked what I did for fun. I genuinely couldn’t answer.

Everything I’d enjoyed, every identity I held, seemed to involve him in some way. Without him, I didn’t know who I was.

What it looks like:

• Widows/widowers who don’t know who they are outside “wife” or “husband”
• Adult orphans feeling unmoored after losing both parents
• Parents who’ve lost children struggling with their purpose
• People who were caregivers suddenly without a role
• Not recognizing yourself in the mirror
• All your routines and rituals disrupted
• Questioning everything about your life

Why this happens: Our identities are relational. We define ourselves partly through our connections. When a primary relationship ends through death, especially long-term relationships, part of our identity structure collapses.

Additionally, grief fundamentally changes people. You’re not the same person you were before the loss. You can’t be.

What’s normal: Identity disruption is common after significant loss, especially loss of a spouse, parent, child, or someone you cared for long-term. It typically peaks in the first 6-12 months and gradually resolves as you rebuild identity.

When to be concerned: If you’re still experiencing complete identity loss years after a death, or if identity questions are leading to self-destructive behavior or suicidal thoughts, please seek professional help.

What helps:

• Accept that you’re not the same person you were before
• Explore who you are now without pressure to know immediately
• Try new activities, even small ones
• Connect with others who’ve experienced similar loss
• Journaling: “Who am I now?” “What matters to me today?”
• Be patient. Identity rebuilding takes years, not months.

8. Relief or Even Happiness (Then Guilt for Not Being Sad Enough)

When my grandmother died after two years of painful decline, my first feeling was relief.

She wasn’t suffering anymore. My family wasn’t watching her deteriorate anymore. It was over.

Then I felt like a monster for being relieved that someone I loved was dead.

What it looks like:

• Relief after a long illness ends
• Feeling lighter or free after a difficult relationship ends
• Catching yourself smiling or laughing, then feeling guilty
• Resuming normal activities “too soon”
• Not crying “enough”
• Feeling like you’re betraying them by continuing to live
• Wondering if you didn’t love them because you’re not devastated enough

Why this happens: Relief is valid when someone’s suffering ends. It’s also valid when a complicated or difficult relationship ends, or when you’re released from exhausting caregiving duties.

Happiness isn’t betrayal. Continuing to live fully isn’t dishonoring the dead. Most people who love us would want us to experience joy again.

The guilt comes from internalized expectations about how grief “should” look. But there’s no should. There’s only what you actually feel.

What’s normal: Relief is common after long illnesses or complicated relationships. Returning to activities and experiencing joy weeks or months after a death is healthy, not callous. Some people simply don’t express grief through extended sadness.

When to be concerned: If relief is masking unprocessed grief that later emerges as problems in other areas of life, therapy might help. But relief alone isn’t concerning.

What helps:

• Give yourself permission to feel relief without judgment
• Understand that relief and love coexist
• Recognize that continuing to live is honoring them, not betraying them
• If the relationship was difficult, relief is especially normal
• Talk to others about relief. Many feel it but hide it.

When to Seek Professional Grief Support

Most grief symptoms, even the scary ones, are normal and temporary. But sometimes grief becomes complicated and professional support is needed.

Consider seeking help from a grief counselor or therapist if:

• Grief symptoms are worsening instead of gradually improving after 6-12 months
• You’re having persistent thoughts of suicide or self-harm
• You’re unable to function in daily life (can’t work, care for yourself or dependents, maintain basic hygiene)
• You’re using alcohol, drugs, or other substances to cope
• You’re experiencing panic attacks or severe anxiety
• Physical symptoms are severe or preventing normal activities
• You’re isolating completely and can’t connect with anyone
• You’re having intrusive thoughts about the death that you can’t control
• You feel stuck, unable to move forward in any way after a year or more

Seeking help isn’t a sign of weakness or “failing at grief.” It’s recognizing when you need professional guidance to navigate something overwhelming.

Frequently Asked Questions About Grief Symptoms (FAQ)

Final Thoughts

Grief does strange, frightening things to your brain and body. Things nobody warns you about because we’re terrible at talking honestly about what grief really looks like.

You might forget your own address. You might feel your chest literally ache. You might go emotionally numb. You might rage at someone who’s dead. You might see them in crowds or hear their voice.

All of this is normal.

You’re not crazy. You’re not broken. You’re not doing grief wrong.

You’re experiencing what humans have experienced for all of human history when someone we love dies. It’s just that we don’t talk about it, so everyone thinks their experience is uniquely strange.

It’s not.

If you’re in the thick of grief right now and experiencing any of these symptoms, please know: this is what grief looks like. The real, messy, uncomfortable, sometimes scary version that doesn’t fit neatly into five stages.

Give yourself permission to grieve however you grieve. Trust that these symptoms, as strange as they feel, are your mind and body’s way of processing unbearable loss.

Be patient with yourself. Be gentle. And know that even though grief changes you, it doesn’t break you.

You’ll get through this. Not over it, but through it.

And you’ll be okay.