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When someone you care about loses someone they love, you want to help. You may feel helpless, unsure what to say, or worried about making things worse. Many people avoid grieving friends or family because they feel so uncomfortable, not because they don’t care.

Understanding what grieving people actually need, what helps versus what hurts, and practical ways to show up makes you a better supporter. This guide explains how to be present for someone in grief, what to say (and what never to say), meaningful ways to help, and how to provide support beyond the first difficult weeks.

Please take a moment to watch this introductory video and download the free PDF: SUPPORTING SOMEONE WHO IS GRIEVING: PRACTICAL HELP GUIDE & CHECKLIST How to Show Up, What to Say, and Meaningful Ways to Help

What Grieving People Actually Need

Grief support often misses the mark because supporters focus on what would make them feel better rather than what actually helps grieving people.

Presence Over Solutions

The most important thing grieving people need is your presence, not your advice or solutions.

Simply being there matters more than saying the right thing. Grief is not a problem to fix. You cannot make the pain go away, bring the person back, or speed up healing. What you can do is sit with your friend in their pain without trying to fix it.

Listening without judgment gives grieving people space to express difficult emotions. They may be angry, irrational, or say things that don’t make sense. Listen without correcting, minimizing, or redirecting to positive thinking.

Tolerating silence shows you are comfortable with their discomfort. You do not need to fill every quiet moment. Sometimes sitting together in silence is the most supportive thing you can offer.

Being okay with tears means not trying to stop crying or make them feel better. Tears are healthy emotional release. Handing someone a tissue while sitting with them is supportive. Saying “don’t cry” or “it will be okay” shuts down necessary expression.

Permission to Feel Everything

Grieving people need permission to feel whatever they feel without judgment.

Validation of all emotions helps grieving people know they are not crazy. When someone expresses anger, guilt, or other difficult feelings, validating those emotions (“That makes sense,” “I understand why you feel that way,” “Your feelings are completely normal”) provides relief.

No timeline pressure means not suggesting when they should feel better, move on, or be over it. Comments like “it’s been three months” or “they would want you to be happy” create pressure to grieve faster than possible.

Space for contradictions allows grieving people to feel sadness and joy, anger and love, relief and guilt simultaneously. These contradictory feelings are normal in grief.

Acceptance of bad days long after the loss occurred shows you understand grief comes in waves. Someone may seem okay for weeks then have a terrible day. This is normal, not regression.

Practical Help

Grief exhausts people physically and mentally, making everyday tasks overwhelming.

Taking care of basic needs includes bringing food, helping with laundry, mowing the lawn, walking the dog, or cleaning. These concrete actions reduce burden and show care.

Handling logistics such as making phone calls, managing paperwork, coordinating with others, or researching services helps when decision-making (aff) feels impossible.

Childcare or dependent care gives grieving parents or caregivers a break to rest, cry, or handle necessary tasks.

Financial support when appropriate, whether contributing to funeral costs, setting up a meal train, or helping with bills during time off work, removes stress.

Continued presence beyond the first week matters enormously. Most people show up immediately after death then disappear. Grief intensifies after the funeral when everyone leaves and reality sets in. Checking in weeks and months later shows you have not forgotten.

To Hear Their Person’s Name

One of the most painful aspects of grief is feeling like the person who died is being erased or forgotten.

Saying the person’s name acknowledges they existed and mattered. Many people avoid mentioning the deceased, worried it will upset the grieving person. In reality, grieving people want to talk about their person.

Sharing memories keeps the person alive through stories. “I was thinking about the time [name] did [thing]” or “I’ll never forget when [name] said [quote]” honors the person and gives the griever connection.

Asking about them with questions like “What are you missing most about [name] today?” or “Tell me your favorite memory of [name]” invites the griever to talk about their person.

Remembering significant dates such as birthdays, anniversaries, or the death anniversary shows ongoing care. A simple text saying “Thinking of you and [name] today” means the world.

What to Say (And What Never to Say)

Words matter deeply to grieving people. Some phrases provide comfort while others, though well-intentioned, cause pain.

Helpful Things to Say

Simple, honest statements beat elaborate speeches.

“I’m so sorry” is always appropriate. You do not need to say more. Simple acknowledgment of their pain is enough.

“This is terrible” or “This really sucks” validates that the situation is awful without trying to make it better.

“I don’t know what to say” is honest and better than filling silence with platitudes. Admitting you do not have words shows authenticity.

“Tell me about [name]” invites them to talk about the person who died, which most grieving people want to do.

“I’m here for you” followed by specific offers shows genuine support. Better yet, skip “let me know if you need anything” and instead offer concrete help.

“It’s okay to not be okay” gives permission to struggle without pressure to be strong or positive.

“You don’t have to be strong right now” releases them from expectations to hold it together.

“I can’t imagine what you’re going through” is honest. Do not claim to understand unless you have experienced very similar loss.

“[Name] was lucky to have you” or “[Name] loved you so much” honors the relationship without suggesting the death was somehow okay.

“I’m thinking about you” in texts or messages weeks and months later reminds them they are not forgotten.

What Never to Say

These common phrases, while usually well-intentioned, hurt grieving people.

“They’re in a better place” dismisses the griever’s pain and suggests they should not be sad. Even if true to your beliefs, the grieving person wants their loved one here, not in a better place.

“Everything happens for a reason” implies the death had purpose or was somehow meant to be. This is deeply painful to hear, especially after sudden or tragic deaths.

“God needed another angel” or “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle” attributes the death to God’s plan, which many find infuriating or cruel.

“At least they’re not suffering” or “At least they lived a long life” minimizes grief by finding silver linings. The person is still gone, and the griever is devastated regardless of circumstances.

“You’re so strong” puts pressure on the grieving person to continue being strong rather than allowing them to fall apart.

“I know how you feel” unless you have experienced very similar loss comes across as dismissive. Even similar losses are experienced differently.

“Time heals all wounds” or “You’ll feel better soon”** suggests grief has an expiration date and dismisses current pain.

“They would want you to be happy” pressures the griever to feel different than they do and suggests their grief somehow dishonors the deceased.

“You need to be strong for [your kids/spouse/etc.]” adds pressure to suppress grief for others’ sake.

“Are you over it yet?” or “Aren’t you better by now?” suggests grief should have ended and makes the person feel judged for still struggling.

“You can always have another [baby/get remarried/etc.]” implies the person who died is replaceable, which is deeply hurtful.

Comparing losses by saying “My [distant relative] died too, so I understand” minimizes their specific grief unless your loss was truly similar.

When You Don’t Know What to Say

Silence with presence is better than the wrong words.

Sit with them quietly without needing to fill the space with words.

Offer a hug or physical comfort if appropriate to your relationship.

Simply say “I’m here” and mean it by staying present.

Admit uncertainty by saying “I don’t have the right words, but I’m here with you.”

Ask what they need rather than assuming you know what will help.

Practical Ways to Help

Concrete actions speak louder than vague offers. “Let me know if you need anything” puts burden on the grieving person to think of tasks and ask for help. Instead, offer specific help or simply do needed things.

Immediate Practical Support

In the first days and weeks after death, basic tasks become overwhelming.

Bring food without asking first. Drop off ready-to-eat meals, groceries, or gift cards for food delivery. Include paper plates and disposable containers so they do not have to return dishes or do extra cleanup.

Handle household tasks like mowing the lawn, taking out trash, doing dishes, or walking the dog. Text “I’m coming over Tuesday at 10am to mow your lawn” rather than asking if they want help.

Manage visitors and calls by serving as a gatekeeper if helpful. Some grieving people appreciate a friend who screens calls, coordinates visitors, or updates others so they do not have to repeat painful information constantly.

Help with children by offering specific childcare times. “I’ll pick up the kids from school Monday and Wednesday and keep them until 6pm” provides concrete relief.

Organize logistics such as researching funeral homes, making phone calls to services, or handling necessary notifications if asked.

Drive them places since grief impairs concentration and driving can be dangerous when someone is overwhelmed.

Sit with them through difficult tasks like sorting belongings, making funeral decisions, or handling paperwork.

Ongoing Practical Support

Support matters most after the funeral when everyone else disappears and reality sets in.

Set reminders to check in regularly. Text every few days, call weekly, or show up at predictable times so they know you are consistently there.

Remember significant dates like the one-month mark, birthday, anniversary, or holidays. Reach out on these difficult days.

Invite them to things even if they decline. Grieving people often withdraw but appreciate knowing they are included. Keep inviting without pressure.

Do regular activities together like walking, watching TV, or other low-pressure companionship that does not require conversation if they are not up for it.

Help with next-phase tasks like returning to work, handling estate matters, or navigating firsts without the person.

Include them in future plans showing you see them continuing to be part of your life despite their loss.

What Not to Do

Some actions, though intended to help, often hurt.

Do not disappear because you do not know what to say or do. Showing up imperfectly is better than not showing up at all.

Do not take over their grief or decision-making. Support their choices even if you would choose differently.

Do not share their grief publicly without permission. Do not post about their loss on social media or share details with others unless they have indicated this is okay.

Do not bring your own agenda about how they should grieve, what they should do, or timelines they should follow.

Do not make it about you by talking extensively about your own losses or how hard this is for you.

Do not judge their choices about how they handle possessions, relationships, or life changes after loss.

Do not expect thanks or acknowledgment. Grieving people may not have energy to express gratitude. Help without expecting recognition.

Supporting Different Types of Loss

While all grief deserves support, different losses create different needs.

Loss of Spouse or Partner

Losing a life partner changes every aspect of daily life.

Practical help is crucial since they lose their partner in managing household, finances, and daily tasks. Offer specific help with these areas.

Social isolation intensifies as couple friends may not know how to include a newly single person. Continue including them even if dynamics change.

Identity shifts from being part of a pair to being alone require time to navigate. Acknowledge this difficulty.

Decision-making overwhelms when they lose their primary advisor and support. Offer to talk through decisions without pushing specific choices.

Firsts hurt deeply including first holidays, anniversaries, and the one-year mark. Remember these dates and reach out.

Loss of Parent

Losing a parent severs a foundational relationship regardless of age.

Do not minimize based on the person’s age or parent’s age. “They lived a long life” does not make grief less painful.

Acknowledge the unique relationship parents hold even when relationships were complicated.

Help with estate and logistics which often fall to adult children and can be overwhelming while grieving.

Recognize identity shift of no longer having living parents, feeling like an orphan regardless of age, or becoming the older generation.

Loss of Child

Losing a child violates the natural order and creates unique, devastating grief.

Never suggest they can have another child or that other children compensate for this loss. Each child is irreplaceable.

Support them long-term as child loss grief often intensifies over time rather than easing.

Remember the child always by saying their name, acknowledging birthdays and death anniversaries, and treating them as permanent family member.

Understand relationships may change as couple relationships strain under this grief and friendships with people who have living children become painful.

Do not expect them to comfort you about their child’s death. This is their grief to feel.

Loss of Sibling

Sibling loss is often underrecognized but creates profound grief.

Acknowledge the unique bond siblings share and the lifetime of shared history lost.

Understand family dynamics may shift as surviving siblings grieve while supporting grieving parents.

Remember the sibling in conversations, not just in relation to the grieving person but as an individual who mattered.

Loss by Suicide

Suicide loss creates complicated grief with added layers of trauma, guilt, and stigma.

Never judge or make comments about the person’s choice, mental state, or whether they considered impact on others.

Understand guilt and “what ifs” consume survivors. Let them talk about these feelings without trying to convince them they are not responsible.

Connect them with suicide loss support groups where they can talk with others who understand this specific grief.

Do not avoid mentioning how the person died. Pretending it was another type of death does not help.

Traumatic or Sudden Loss

Unexpected deaths create shock and trauma layered with grief.

Understand shock lasts longer with sudden loss. The person may seem oddly calm or disconnected initially.

Do not expect linear grief as traumatic loss often creates PTSD symptoms alongside grief.

Help them feel safe as traumatic loss shatters assumptions about safety and predictability.

Encourage professional support as traumatic grief often benefits from specialized therapy.

Common Mistakes Well-Meaning Supporters Make

Understanding frequent errors helps you avoid them.

Disappearing After the Funeral

The most common complaint from grieving people is that everyone shows up for the funeral then disappears. Grief intensifies after the funeral when reality sets in, so show up consistently for months.

Comparing Grief

Every relationship and loss is unique. Do not compare their grief to others or to your own losses unless very similar.

Trying to Fix It

You cannot make grief better. Resist the urge to cheer them up, find silver linings, or push positive thinking. Sit with their pain.

Setting Timelines

Grief has no timeline. Do not expect them to feel better by certain dates or judge them for struggling long after loss.

Making It About You

While sharing similar experiences can help, do not take over the conversation with your grief story. Focus on supporting them.

Avoiding the Person’s Name

Worried about reminding them of the loss, many people avoid mentioning the deceased. Grieving people want to talk about their person. Say their name.

Offering Generic Help

“Let me know if you need anything” puts burden on the griever. Offer specific help or just do needed things.

Judging Their Choices

How someone grieves, handles possessions, or makes life changes is their choice. Support their decisions even if you would choose differently.

Taking Care of Yourself as a Supporter

Supporting someone in grief affects you emotionally. You cannot pour from an empty cup.

Managing Your Own Emotions

Witnessing someone you care about in pain is difficult. Acknowledge your own feelings about the loss and the difficulty of supporting someone grieving.

Talk to others (not the grieving person) about your own struggles. Consider therapy or support if their grief triggers your own unresolved losses.

Set boundaries about what you can realistically provide without depleting yourself.

Recognizing Your Limits

You cannot take away their pain or fix their grief. Accepting this limitation reduces your own frustration and pressure.

If their grief triggers your own mental health struggles, acknowledge this and ensure you have your own support.

Know when professional help is needed and encourage them to seek it without feeling like you failed.

Sustaining Long-Term Support

Supporting someone in grief is a marathon, not a sprint. Pace yourself for long-term presence rather than burning out early.

Share support responsibilities with others when possible so burden does not fall entirely on you.

Continue your own life while staying present for them. You can maintain your normal activities while also being available when needed.

How Long to Support Someone

Grief does not end after a few months. The intensity may lessen over time, but significant losses affect people for years.

First year is particularly difficult with all the firsts. Stay present throughout.

Year two and beyond often brings different challenges as shock wears off and reality deepens. Continue checking in even if they seem better.

Significant dates like anniversaries, birthdays, and holidays remain difficult for years. Remember these dates and reach out.

Life changes like graduations, weddings, or other milestones the person misses create fresh grief. Acknowledge the absence during these events.

There is no point at which you should stop supporting someone who experienced significant loss. Ongoing friendship includes ongoing acknowledgment of their changed life.

Your Support Matters

You do not need to be perfect at supporting someone in grief. Showing up, even imperfectly, matters enormously. Staying present when others disappear, saying the person’s name when others avoid it, and tolerating uncomfortable emotions without trying to fix them provides invaluable support.

Your presence tells them they are not alone. Your willingness to sit with their pain shows love. Your ongoing care reminds them they matter and their person mattered.

Be patient with yourself as you learn how to support someone in grief. Be patient with them as they navigate impossible pain. Show up consistently. Listen more than you speak. Do practical things without being asked. Remember their person’s name.

This is how you help someone survive grief.

Additional Resources

For more information on supporting grieving people, Memorial Merits offers additional articles, resources, and connection to support communities.

If someone you care about is struggling significantly with grief, encourage them to use Solace at https://memorialmerits.com/solace for 24/7 compassionate support.

National Alliance for Grieving Children: https://childrengrieve.org

The Compassionate Friends (child loss): https://www.compassionatefriends.org

Supporting someone in grief is one of the most important ways you can show love. Your presence and care matter more than you know.